Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.
Presenting and Asking Questions
This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.
Exploring the Causes
A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.
Practical Steps
Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.
Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.
This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.
